8 posts tagged “ace the wonder dog”
There seems to be some confusion associated with our little contest, or else everyone has taken up daytime drinking, which is good unless you have kids....arn't kids a serious kink in the wheel of daytime drinking...any how, let me clear up a couple of concerns.
What is an Asshat? According to Websters:
ASSHAT; noun, adverb: definition~ someone who wears their ass on their head as a hat. Examples, your ex-spouse, your current spouse, your boss, the right wing, religous whacko down the street with the Bush/Cheney sticker on his Ford Fiesta, George Bush, Dick Cheney, the smug Prius owner who drives 45 miles an hour in the right lane with his left hand turn signal blinking....you see what we're looking at here...
A few of you also seem to be a confused as to how to submit and are worried that the asshat they are writing about will be named or that you will be named in the letter and reply in this contest. THAT IS NOT TRUE....if you are selected as a winner no names etc will be published....So with this in mind, and cuz I just had to go fetch Ace the Wonder Dog from the Lariat again, we are extending the deadline to 8PM PST tonight to submit your entry or entries.
1. Send a letter to daddawg@comcast.net detailing the asshat problem or problems in your life by 8PM PST tonight and you could win a first issue daddawg.com T-shirt.
2. To see earlier letters as examples go to www.daddawg.com and scroll down til you see this...
3. Use your imagination kids....
If you are selected we will notify you immediatley y email to get your shipping address and shirt size, and to say: "Congratulations, you've taken a big step in eradicating an asshat."
Okay, the most talented Studio 524 came up with a great idea, and then I thought about it some more and then Ace the Wonder Dog thought about it some more and, well, here's the deal. Say you have an asshat co-worker who won't shut up about his fiance, or a relative with a chronic masturbation problem, or a husband who is a chubby chaser and you're at your wits end...simply send a letter to Ask Daddawg and you could win a free daddawg.com T-shirt.
Created especially for this contest by the most talented Studio 524, this first issue T-shirt will make you the envy of all your friends. Check it out here: http://www.zazzle.com/studio524*/product/235778343315030704.
Now here's the part Ace the Wonder Dog thought up. If you win and your letter is published with a solution you can send the link to the asshat with a hearty, "Hey, did you see this!" note attached and they, just might, get the hint and change their behavior. There's no guarantee they will, but it is the part Ace the Wonder Dog thought up.
Email your entry to daddawg@comcast.net by 12 PM PST this Thursday, (May 3, 2007) and if you are chosen by our select panel of judges you will see your letter www.daddawg.com on Friday May 4, 2007. When you are selected we will contact you immediatley, get your T-shirt size and have it shipped to you. Previous examples of Ask Daddawg can be found at www.daddawg.com.
Our expert panel of judges include: Lucille, Naheeb, Roland the Ball Turret Gunner, Loinfruit, Ace the Wonder Dog and me.
So get cracking kids! Relief from the asshat in your life is just an email away.
Two things dear readers:
1. Just in time for mailing graduation cards, wedding invitations and filing late IRS returns the mega talented Studio 524 has published daddawg.com postage stamps on Zazzle.com . Don't be bashful and get them while there hot:
http://studio524.vox.com/library/post/daddawg-custom-postage-is-now-live.html
2. Hilarity Ensues is now posted for your enjoyment on www.daddawg.com
See ya round like a doughnut,
Daddawg
now appearing at www.daddawg.com for your enjoyment
As many of you know Studio 524 does the banners for www.daddawg.com, and being the incredibly talented illustrator she is, she takes her vision across media and, well, ends up as the most popular girl at the prom on Zazzle. If this was the prom, I'd be cutting in for the next dance...see what I mean here...
(This post originally appreared on www.daddawg.com)
We spent Easter practicing our form of worship known as eating. Not that we’re gluttons, gluttony is a sin. But we like to cook and eat together. So for Easter brunch we made eggs benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosas and coffee. Ace the Wonder Dog had left over roasted potatoes and all the plates he could lick. He wanted a mimosa, but I draw the line at inebriating dogs; cats I don’t mind serving booze too, but dogs are just ridiculous drunks.
Later we went to the San Francisco Giants game. Loinfruit and I decided to take The Long Suffering Child Bride as a family Easter gift as she likes to sit in the sun and we like to watch baseball. This was a dumb idea. AT&T Park is an exercise in standing in line. You stand in a line to use the bathroom, get money from the ATM, and to buy beer, food and whatever else they try to foist on you. One stands in line a lot. They must hire the slowest, dimmest people to work there just to make you feel fortunate not to work there.
Although the lunatics they allow in for free do entertain the line standers. This fellow walked in tight figure eight patterns while flapping his arms above his head and making birdcalls…he did this over and over. Perhaps, like me, he just got tired of standing in line.
After all the line standing we only experienced about 6 of the 9 innings played… seriously, this is a crappy experience. Not to mention the Giants can’t seem to hit the ball and Barry Zito can’t get his ball down. If I’m going to drop $300.00 dollars on an afternoon at the ball park, I hope to at least not stand in line for 3 innings and watch a $129 million pitcher give up 6 runs. Perhaps they keep you in line spending money for as long as the can to pay these enormous salaries…. fifteen minutes for an $8.00 glass of beer.
Later we came home for naps, the NY Times and an early supper, then we watched the much hyped first episode of the final season of The Sopranos. I can understand why it’s the final season. Much of the pacing of the show was tedious, though the writing remains as strong as ever. This episode lacked the development of a compelling subplot to support story, disappointing as The Soprano’s did this so well for so long. The use of violence and sex was as prevalent and well executed as ever. Tony managed to get into a fistfight with his brother-in-law and receive a birthday blowjob from his wife; all within the same twenty-four hours. I feat I have never accomplished no matter how hard I try. Though I do enjoy all the scenes where they eat and drink. They do this with class and never glutinously. That would be a sin.
“Dad! Dude! What’s wrong with Ace’s nuts,” exclaimed Loinfruit as he let Ace the Wonder Dog out of he back of the truck. Ace was walking around bowl-legged on his tippy-toes, the way I would if my nuts were on fire. I look at Loinfruit, then grabbed Ace’s tail and gazed at two crimson beefsteak tomatoes where his nuts were supposed to be.
Typically when we go away for a weekend to play baseball we can take Ace the Wonder Dog with us. When we can’t he stays with his buddy Carson. This time we got stuck, Carson was gone and we couldn’t find a hotel that would let him stay with us… so off to the vet’s kennel he went. I had just picked him up on Monday morning and was dropping him home on my way to the office for a meeting, after dropping Loinfruit at school when he made his startling discovery.
“Put him back in the truck,” I told Loinfruit and drove him back to the Happy Pets and Shit vet and kennel emporium. I left Ace there, told them to figure out what they did to my dog’s nuts and call me straight away then raced off to SF.
Halfway through the meeting my cell phone rings, it was Dr. Chutoi with a diagnosis on Ace’s nuts.
Me: What the hell did you do to my dog’s nuts?!
Chutoi: Calm down, apparently Ace knocked his water dish over on the cement floor and then laid in the water, he most likely received the rash from the wet cement.
Me: What are you going to do?
Chutoi: I’m going to give you some cream.
Me: Some cream?
Chutoi: Yes, you will apply it 3 times day for 2 weeks.
Me: Me? He got that rash at your place, you apply it!
Chutoi: I can do that for $50.00 per application.
Me: Fuck.
By this time the meeting was beyond salvage, so I left for the day, collected Ace and $125.00 worth of nut cream.
The first application went pretty well after I wrestled him to the ground, pinned his head with one arm and applied cream to his nuts while carefully avoiding his flailing hind legs kicking dangerously close to my face. Of course, he licked it right off. So we had to get the cone out. Ace with a cone on his head is like a pissed-off, oversized, spastic dwarf wearing a motorcycle helmet. Everything gets knocked down or punched through.
Funny enough by the third application he stopped resisting. By the fifth and sixth rubbing of the cream he started to, well, kind of like it. By the third day he was flat out on his back with his legs spread, tongue hanging out, eyes rolled back in his head whenever I walked into the room.
To this day every time I pick up a tube of anything he lies down, rolls over and spreads them.
This afternoon Ace the Wonder Dog and I got hungry. So we thought we'd take a little stroll down to the shops to see what we could find. He was thinking of some hamburger from Marvin at the meat counter at the food market and I was thinking of a doughnut from Wu Ti's Chinese doughnut shop, or maybe a cream puff.
Off we went down the road, through the park and round the corner to the shops. As we turn the corner into the shops we spied Lucille sitting on a city trash can. Her dress billowing over its sides and her knickers around her ankles.
"Hey Lucille, whatcha doing?"
"I'm stuck."
"Whadda ya mean your stuck."
"I had to pee real bad, you know I got a bad bladder on account I'm so fat, and so I climbed up here to go and all, and now I'm stuck."
To say Lucille is a big girl is an understatement. She gets between you and the sun and there's going to be a shadow. I like her though. When she gets to arm wrestling for beers down at the Lariat on Wednesday nights, its terrific. She's never lost, not once.
"Well, let me see if I can pull you off." I offered. "Sure, but don't hurt yourself." I pulled and pushed and pried but she wasn't budging.
"Yeah your stuck." Tell you what, you hold onto Ace for a moment and I'll be right back."
"Sure, I ain't going anywhere."
I nipped into the food store and bought a big can of Crisco and a spatula.
"Now you hike your dress up, Lucille and I'll start spreading Crisco around the seal formed by your ass and the trash can and you'll slide off in a minute or two."
Well, it seemed like a good idea except that everytime I'd get some Crisco spread around Ace the Wonder Dog would lick it off.
"Hey, were not getting anywhere here," I told her as I dragged Ace into the Dehli Deli. "Hey, Naheeb can you look after Ace while I grease up Lucille?"
"Yes, yes, she stuck again, Mr. Austeen?"
"Yeah." Back at the trashcan I pushed my way thorugh the small crowd that had formed and started to smear Crisco around the seal. I slathered and slapped it all around and shoved it down as far as I could. When I had about two - thirds of the can on her I grabbed one arm, and another fellow grabbed the other and we pulled and pulled and with a mighty KERPLOP she came free. We all fell to the ground laughing like lunatics as the crowd cheered.
"Here ya go, keep this in your car," I said handing the spatula and remaining Crisco to Lucille.
"Mr. Austeen, your dog ate my lunch," I heard Naheeb yell from the deli.
"What did you have?"
"Vindaloo curry."
Oh boy, Crisco and curry...I know someone who is sleeping outside tonight.
